St. Valentine's Day Massacre

I recently came across an article about love typologies studied by Susan and Clyde Hendrick. They're both Ph.Ds., so what they say must be true!

It's mostly common sense. They claim there are six basic types of significant others: the romantic, the list-maker, the obsessive, the giver, the player and the pal. Fair enough. Certainly I can think of examples of each, though more likely they are people (including me) who blend two or more types.

After more than twenty-five years of serious dating, marriage, and observation of other social combinations, I offer some of my own thoughts and a little from Søren Kierkegaard (5/5/1813-11/11/1855), the Danish existentialist philosopher.

Kierkegaard: "He has comprehended the deep secret that also in loving another person one must be sufficient unto oneself." Ideally, each person in a love relationship must be semi-autonomous, so as to avoid excessive neediness. Interdependence with a streak of independence works fine, but expecting another person to be the panacea or cure-all to her or his own issues is the height of folly.

Kierkegaard: "Spiritually speaking, everything is possible, but in the world of the finite there is much which is not possible."

In most relationships, during the first 0-20 or so years, no one is irreplaceable, regardless if there are marriages or kids involved. If you would "die" without the other person, you have serious psychological and emotional problems or are simply deluded, immature, or have an Emotional Intelligence Quotient of a small child. If you make twenty or twenty-five years and things are still cooking, you may be lucky enough to have the kind of truly irreplaceable relationship exemplified by June Carter and Johnny Cash. The only drawback being that both may die within two years of each other (perhaps a blessing).

A good relationship requires give and take, best lubricated with a sense of humor and not putting one's ego on the line with every twist and turn. Patience, kindness, courage and resilience help.

Attention must be paid to details: cleanliness is next to Godliness, and don't forget fun shared activities, spiced up with some variation. Don't be too predictable, but don't be unreliable, either. Don't be lazy, but don't become so stressed you routinely collapse, either.

Communication: protect your boundaries, honor the other person's boundaries. Do not be afraid of conflict, but don't fight too much, either. A little conflict derails any buildup of resentment; too much conflict is destructive. Never treat another person as an occupied territory or house slave, and don't let anyone treat you that way, either.

Overlapping interests and tastes are important. There must be some, but there should be some variation between the two. I don't expect complete agreement on musical likes, for example, but there's got to be some. I don't expect everybody to like Bob Dylan or Iggy Pop, but when an ex- revealed a loathing also for John Coltrane, Prince, James Brown, and Janis Joplin, her revelations had a corrossive quality. Her days were numbered. Over the long run, what would be the point?

Overlapping spiritual interests. If you are an atheist, you may want to think twice about hooking up with a devout Catholic, Muslim, or Jewish person, and vice versa. Agnostics and Deists are more pliable.

Don't expect to be "the One" who can change a person's behavior or outlook -- unless he or she can change it up front. If you succeed through brow-beating, you will probably be resented. Remember: No good deed goes unpunished. Early patterns usually end up being permanent ones, so tread carefully. Days become weeks, week become months, months become years.

Do not nag, do not impose honey-do lists without mutual enthusiasm, do not control, and do not take yourself or the other person for granted but also don't let your counterpart get away with such behavior, either.

Have fun and be nice in sickness and in health. Be prepared for one nutty ride, no matter what. Make sure you know who you are and take stock from time to time -- which is why breathing room is important. No one likes to be smothered or neglected except crazy people.

French Rule: ideally, neither partner should fall outside the "half one's age plus seven years" formula. With rare exceptions, there will otherwise be trouble. No one wants to end up like Anna Nicole Smith, I'm guessing; no one wants to bored to death, either.

If anyone has any other ideas about what makes a good relationship, please leave a comment. I'm always interested in people's opinions and observations.

Today's Rune: Harvest.

Happy Valentine's Day!